Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
