I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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