I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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