Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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