so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
