I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
