She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dicks are not precious.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
