I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
