I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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