So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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