My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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