I wish I could teleport
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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