i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
