I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
