I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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