Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
