Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There's always time for handjobs
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
