You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
