So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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