Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
