It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
