Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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