So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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