My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
