youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I smell like Dick and happiness
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