I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize