I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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