He uses pillows to masturbate.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
