In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
