Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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