I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
