Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
