I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
