Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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