There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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