I seem to have left my pride at pride
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
