Since when is my name a synonym for head?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
