they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
