What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
