I can tuck mytits in my pants
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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