his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
