I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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