god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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