I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
