I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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