The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
