Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
