you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
