How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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