it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He passed out mid-signature
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize