party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
