shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
