Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
