I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
