I'm eating all of the evidence.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
