Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All I want is dick and wine.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
