my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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