I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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