i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
