Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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