fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
