I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sponge bath it is.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
