The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
