i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
