I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
