You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
