so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
