I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
