Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
