there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
