How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
