The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I understand Curling. That high.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
